Saturday, July 4, 2009


In society, most if not all of us put on some sort of facade for the sake of others. Whatever the case may be, none of us act exactly the way we want towards others outside of our households. If Joe, the annoying guy that no one wants to talk to, corners you in the break room to talk about how great his weekend was, you won't just tell him to shut-up and go away because no one likes him, you will simply make up an excuse about why you need to get back to your desk or something and go about your day. When Brenda, the nosy neighborhood gossip, calls you to ask if you heard about Brad and Kathleen, you may tell her you don't want to know, but you won't tell her that you wish she would move somewhere where someone else is as annoying as her so she can feel what it's like to be on the receiving end of the torrent of gossip that's no concern of hers. There is only one exception to this rule that I have encountered, and that is on the road.

It seems that no matter how nice of a person someone is, they turn into the spawn of Satan behind the wheel of a vehicle. There is something about driving that turns people to their baser instincts if not savage animals. Case and point: the reverend's wife, who adores your children and made cookies for you last week, will drive up to your bumper on the highway if you are only going two miles over the speed limit and when she finally passes you, will mouth something not fit for a prison inmate to you on her way by. On the other hand, you've been on a road for a couple miles with your cruise control on, your speed is very comfortable for you, ahead you see someone pull onto the road with enough time to speed up to your speed but, to your utter rage, they don't speed up fast enough and when they do finally reach "cruising speed," it is five miles under the speed limit. When you finally pass, you are the one with the look of murder on your face when you pass. Why do we turn into monsters when we drive. For some reason, you can be the only one on the road for miles both ways and when someone needs to turn onto the road, they need to pull out before you get there rather than waiting the extra seven seconds for you to pass. In construction, when a lane is closed ahead, there are usually signs posted for at least a couple miles before it actually merges, there is a long line of cars in the lane that continues and no one in merging lane, for obvious reasons it seems, and for reasons still not yet understood, some people feel as though this lane has been reserved for them so they can skip ahead of the line as if they are VIPs of some sort. During stop-and-go traffic, there are vehicles that are constantly changing lanes trying to get ahead of the jam, but everyone knows that in traffic, as soon as you change to a lane that is moving, then it stops moving and the lane you were just in starts. This is an irrevocable law made by the traffic gods apparently. By the time the traffic clears up, you are about three cars behind the car that was changing lanes, and you didn't have to do anything. It seems as though, no matter what the situation on the road, there are those people that always have to be ahead. From the people who cut you off just to turn into the next parking lot, to the people who race ahead of you from a stop light just to be right next to you again at the next light.

I have a theory that may cut down a lot on the Road Rage problem we have. As there is an age minimum to acquire a license, there should also be an age maximum. It is not for me to decide what exactly the age should be but probably the mid 60s or so. Now granted, there are people out there who are just bad drivers, but the majority of bad drivers out there are of an advanced age. If there weren't as many senior drivers out there to not signal when they are turning, to go ten miles under the speed limit, to not pay attention to anything that is going on around them when they are driving, we would not get as frustrated with some of the other mistakes that we all make from time to time because bad driving would not be nearly as frequent. Stop senior drivers = stop bad drivers. Simple math that we all can appreciate.

Well, as I conclude another of my posts, I am reminded that some people that will view this may take offense. Please keep in mind that these are my opinions and they are opinions only. If you don't agree with what has been written, please visit and let them know of the injustice that has taken place here.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Male Dominance

Since the dawn of man, males have been exercising their dominance. Whether it is in the home, in business, or even between friends, almost all men feel the need to be the “alpha male” in one capacity or another. It seems women have allowed men to express this instinct, unchecked, simply because they neither care about nor desire this feeling of dominance. A clever trick to throw us off the scent! As a result of this quest for supremacy, men have peculiar quirks in regards to any type of social interaction. As I refer to “men” in this article, I will be referring to straight men. Gay men don’t have problems with superiority the same way straight men do.

As a woman, you can go to a Victoria’s Secret with your friends, try on underwear, and show it to your friends. Only for your friends to tell you how gorgeous you look or how much whatever you’re wearing enhances your features. Because of men’s superiority, they can’t even tell their friends if a pair of shoes looks good on them. You will not see men at a Sporting Goods store trying on Speedos then showing them off to their friends, just for their friends to say, “That looks so good on you, and it really enhances your…” well, you get the idea. The best men will give to each other, even when trying on a pair of shoes, is a callous joke. “Well, I guess you could get some with those shoes.” Thanks friend! If he were to give you a genuine compliment, then he wouldn’t be superior to you. A woman can look at another woman and say that woman is cute. A man cannot compliment another man, especially not on this magnitude. “Yeah, I think Greg is cute. And he looks really good in green!”
Women can walk together holding hands. Women can dance together at a club with other women. Men cannot be too close together in any type of social setting. When walking in the mall, there must be enough room between the two men for another person to fit or they are too close together. At a club or social event, men cannot huddle together in groups of just men. Men can definitely not dance together in groups, either. At a theater, men cannot sit in the next seat from another man, there must be at least one seat separating them from their friends. The “not-gay-seat” is a standard among most men in most sit-down atmospheres.

There is one exception to these rules however. It is the wide world of sports. In sports, it is okay for one man to slap another man’s bottom. It is okay for one man to hold his hands between the legs of another man. It is okay to take showers together, sit right next to each other, and wrestle around in skin tight singlets. Men around the world will fawn over professional athletes like school-girl crushes with their friends and they are proud of how much they know about them. A conundrum if ever I’ve seen one.

The point of this is that it’s a trick. Women have, in allowing men to run rampant with their pride and try to exercise dominion over their friends and other men, established their dominion over men in pretty much every way. It’s not that they don’t care about being superior to men, but that, because of a male’s inherent lack of humility, have in fact made themselves superior. Men, we must band together to become dominant. We must sit next to each other in the theater. We must learn to compliment each other’s wardrobe. We must hold hands while … never mind. I think I’m comfortable right where I am. Have at it ladies.

Friday, June 5, 2009

The Store Where Dreams are Manufactured and Sold at a Reasonable Price

Throughout the week, as we go about our lives, the everyday necessities of food, soap, clothes, cocain... powdered sugar eventually abate, forcing us to leave the comfort of whatever habitation we have chosen to replenish the things that help us live.  Unfortunately, over the past decade or so, there has been one conglomeration that has risen above the competition by providing lower prices, disgruntled employees, and sub-standard quality products:  Wal-Mart.  Why?  Why has Wal-Mart made it to the top of consumer ladder? 

Has Wal-Mart made it because of their low prices or product quality?  This could be a factor in our choice.  When you can get Smacks Cereal for $3.99 at a local grocery store or $3.92 from Wal-Mart, why wouldn’t you choose the amazing discount found at Wal-Mart?  When you can buy a large, red, juicy, 10 ounce steak for $6.99 at Uncle Joe’s Market or a large, reddish-brown, there-may-be-something-growing-on-it 10 ounceish steak product for $6.72 at Wal-Mart, again, why not choose money over health?  Purchasing a DVD Player?  Well now you have a couple options.  You can go with a $50 discount on a name brand product such as Sony by purchasing through the Wal, during which case you will have spent your money in vain due to the fact that it will stop working 91 days after you buy it and 1 day after the warranty is expired, or you can buy a Wal-Mart brand “Great Value” DVD player for $5 and it will only play the DVDs that are in your car because it doesn’t last the ride home before internally combusting.  Wal-Mart has obvious lower prices, with a $.05 discount on this and $.17 discount on that, the sickness you may get or frustrations you incur are worth the penny saved. 

Has Wal-Mart made it due to their customer service?  It’s hardly fair to compare Wal-Mart to any other company by their customer service alone.  Everything about the store makes it customer friendly.  All of the convicted felon “cart technicians” try their best not to be in your way when you’re backing out or lecherously stare at your wife/children as you walk past.  The horribly disfigured/severely old denizens “greeting” you as you enter try hard not to sound too enthusiastic, in fact, most of time it comes off as gruff and perturbed so as not to make you think they are happier than the most displeased of those of us who enter.  They have 243 registers in the front, but don’t be fooled, they wouldn’t want you to have to pick between them so they only have 5 open for your convenience and they are all being held up by someone writing a check (don’t even get me started on checkwriting).  Let’s not forget the employees throughout the store that know where everything is in the two rows they have been assigned in case you have any questions about those two aisles.  Of course we wouldn’t expect them to know where anything else in the store is or even what part of the store to start looking.  Wal-Mart has incontestable customer service, from the carts to the electronics, they can’t be beat.

So, as another week drones on and your toilet paper runs out or your DVD player breaks down, please consider the life and safety of your loved ones before making the choice of your neighborhood Wal-Mart.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Top 5 Most Annoying Movie Quotes of All Time

Throughout our lives, we have become accustomed to movies.  They are a staple of today's social realm.  As a result, movies are incorporated into our everyday life in the form of quotes.  Most of the time, a quote serves as a means to apply something said from someone famous that everyone knows to a mundane conversation or situation to lighten the mood or break the ice or whatever it be.  Quotes have been used almost since movies came out.  From, "Play it again, Sam." to "Hasta La Vista, Baby" to "Show me the Money!!"  Most of the time, the quotes serve their purpose and the ice is broken and the one-huff chuckle ensues.  But there are a few quotes, I'm sure a lot more than I will enumerate, that have been exhausted to the point of irritation, and in some cases to the point of shear annoyance.  Most of the time, it is due to the fact that people tailor the quote to the situation thinking it is unique, the problem is everyone has done it, so the only thing unique is the extemporized word put into the quote (i.e. "Play it again, Joe."  "Hasta La Vista, Jer-ry"  "Show me the Big League Chew!!").  This is my Top 5 Most Annoying Movie Quotes of All Time:

5.  "You had me at 'Hello'."  Dorothy Boyd - Jerry Maguire.  During the scene, Jerry Maguire says, "Hello, blah blah blah ..." and explains why he's sorry and that he wants to be with Dorothy and towards the end of his speech, she interrupts and says, "Shut up, you had me at 'Hello'."  A very compelling scene, however, not nearly as compelling in real life.  When you say to someone, "I'm going to the store real quick to get some cereal, milk, condoms, alcohol, diapers ..." and they rudely interrupt you by saying, "Shut-up, you had me at 'I'm Going'," you laughed a little on the outside, but died a little on the inside.  Just substituting 'Hello' with some random word or phrase from their sentence like 'I'm Going' or 'Alcohol' only tells you the person doesn't want you around or that they're an alcoholic.

4.  "I see dead people."  Cole Sear - The Sixth Sense.  The obvious improvisation in this quote would be a surrogate to 'Dead'.  This has been done in many TV shows and even a few movies.  One particularly that stands out in my mind is from Undercover Brother "I see White people."  What the general population doesn't realize, is that this has never really been funny.  If you think to a time you heard someone quote this by saying, "I see drunk people" at a party or "I see red people" at the beach, you were never laughing.  The most you gave as an acknowledgment to this attempt at humor was a smile and a single chuckle.  But we all know it was only for pleasantries.

3.  "My Precious!"  Golem - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.  What makes this quote bad is not that people try to change the quote to fit the situation, it's that people try to recreate the voice of Golem.  It was a very unique voice that did great for the movie but not for impersonators.  The dilemma in this situation is almost everyone who does it, thinks they do a masterful job of it.  The bottom line is:  if someone takes the remote control, a piece of food, your medication; or if you reach for a drink, your wallet, your wife; don't try the line.  You can't do the voice no matter how hard you try. 

2.  "Run Forrest, run!"  Jenny Curan - Forrest Gump.  Sometimes running is your only option if you have to be somewhere fast and sometimes running is just another exercise.  If the former is the case, you don't have time to stop and punch someone in the face for feeling the need to yell this quote when you've never even met them before.  If the latter is the case, not only do you have time for some good old fashion elbow-to-ear action, but you're probably in decent shape too.  My only solution to putting an end to the terrible injustice being done to this outstanding movie is to exercise in regular clothes.  When people yell this out, they know you don't have time to rearrange their limbs because of the clothes your wearing.  Next time you go running, run in a suit.  Then, you have the time allotted for a healthy beat-down and can make it home in time to eat before you go to work.

And, Drum-roll please, the all-time most annoying Movie Quote is:

1.  "This one time, at band camp ..."  Michelle Flaherty - American Pie.  Need I say more?  I don't believe since the movie released in 1999, has a person alive said, "This one time..." without someone in the room interrupting with "at band camp."  The only person that has ever thought this was funny, is the person saying it.  Most of time, they are the people that feel like they always have to say something funny in a group of people when they don't really ever make people laugh, no matter what the cost (see my previous post "Naps and 1-Ups"), but no matter what the reason, it's not funny!

Please help spread the awareness of the gross misdeeds done to these movies.  If you or someone you know uses these quotes, please seek help, for your sake and the sake of humanity.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Naps and 1-Ups

Napoleon Syndrome n. (Na-pole-ee-un Sin-drome) - 1.  A disorder in which a person (typically male) feels that, because he lacks height, he must be superior to other people in every other way possible.
One-Upper n. (Wun-Up-purr) - 1.  A disorder in which a person (typically male) feels that he must be superior to other people in every way possible for no reason whatsoever.

Many times throughout our lives, we try in varying ways to fit in with one group of people or another.  Be it for vanity, technology, or what have you, everyone tries to fit in with someone.  As I have gone through my life, I have noticed that all though everyone tries to "fit in," there are two groups of people that really can never fit in with anyone.  The problem not being that they can't find anything in common with someone, but rather they are socially inept.  What I have never been able to understand is that while no one likes these people, they still tend to have many friends, or who they deem as friends, who end up complaining about these people's vexatious tendencies when they are not around.  The "Naps," as I will call them in this publication, and the One-Uppers are social conundrums that have puzzled me throughout my life.  While both of them seem about the same from an outsider's point of view, they are very different on a sub-conscious level.

The Naps are a power hungry sort whose ultimate goal would be world domination had they the chance.  Lucky for us, Napoleon was the last who tried, however his historical account serve as testament to why they must never attain their goals.  The Naps have a very large ... well, moderately small, but adequate, chip on their shoulder because of the hand Nature dealt.  Just growing older while those around you grow up as well must be very difficult to deal with; not to mention being forever damned to the "adolescent" section when shopping for clothing and requiring a stool for the rest of your life to reach the freezer.  As a rule of thumb, Naps are never wrong ... about anything.  They also can do pretty much anything conceivable.  Because while they are vertically challenged, that is no reason for them not to be able to accomplish every task imaginable.  It reminds me somewhat of a paraplegic who thinks he doesn't need a wheelchair.  The only difference is most paraplegics have at least experienced what it's like to be normal, short people never will.  Naps want to exercise every bit of authority they attain over everyone under their power.  Example:  A lower ranking person of less than average height in the military will presume to take a leadership role over people of lesser rank than them regardless of how much real-time experience either has in ... anything.  This of course is because they have gained a vast amount more knowledge and wisdom in their 6 months extra in the service than the lower ranking person, therefor they have earned the right to "chaperon" the lower ranking individual.

While the Naps tend to feel the need to be superior to you now, the One-Uppers feel the need to be superior to you via previous experiences.  The One-Uppers are the few people on the planet that have experienced everything there is to do and the only thing left is to share their experiences with everyone they come into contact with.  Have you ever owned a convertible?  Well, they owned a car they turned into a convertible while they were Safariing in Africa.  Have you ever taken a trip to Europe?  Well, during their last trip to Europe, they stayed at Buckingham palace because they are BFF with the royal family.  Have you ever just been sitting around your house doing nothing?  Well, so have they when they got back from backpacking on the moon.  It was an okay trip.  How One-Uppers ever lower themselves to associate with the likes of the unexceptional populace of the world that most people comprise of is a mystery that perhaps will never be solved.  Case and point, if you ever need to know how to make a beautiful work of art, rebuild an engine, or get a Master's Degree in Computer Science.  They can help you out because if they haven't done it, their buddy back home has.

Alas, as much as these people need to be removed from the general population, I am just as guilty as the next person in being friends with these people.  The Naps and One-Uppers have a certain power over people that makes it very hard not to tell them the truth about how exasperating these tendencies are.  So as I complain about it, I have yet to find a way to get them to be normal.  Until then, we must coexist with the Naps and live beneath the One-Uppers.

Saturday, May 23, 2009


A normal Sunday morning:  you wake up and shower, shave, maybe eat some breakfast.  There are always things you do in the morning to prepare yourself to interact with other people.   Most, if not all, of these morning rituals help you so as not to repel those around you throughout the day.  So why is it that on the one day of the week when everyone puts on their best appearances and tries their best to look and smell presentable, do people not care at all about their breath?  This question has plagued humanity since the dawn of organized religion.  Where did it start?  Does it only affect the Christian religion, or is this a world-wide epidemic?  Is there a Buddhist monk somewhere in the world who is like, “I really want to achieve enlightenment, but I can’t focus when Master talks in close proximity.”  Why do they make toothpaste that turns your breath into a rotten fog? 

There are many questions I have on this subject, but the big question is why does no one say anything to these people?  The common solution to this dilemma is the charity chewing gum/mint.  First, take a piece out and chew one yourself.  Then, offer one to someone else that doesn’t really need it.  Finally, you offer one to the stricken.  Most of the time they will politely accept and everyone goes on their way as if nothing was wrong.  However, there are always those certain individuals who say, “Oh, no thanks.  I don’t chew gum.”  Or  “ Oh, I already have some gum, but I’m going to be eating in a little bit so I don’t want to chew any right now.”  They might as well say, “No thanks, I like repelling people with my acrid breath.”  The problem with most of the solutions for this quandary is that none of them are a permanent fix.  Now I will admit that I have found myself with a case of “Sunday Breath” on occasion, but most of these culprits are repeat offenders and no matter how hard one tries to come up with a permanent solution, there has yet to be a solution to permanently eradicate the point at issue without turning one’s already gaunt relationship with the afflicted into an incredibly awkward experience every time you see them.  As such, we are all doomed to a life of forced pleasantries for the sake of staying in good social graces with those who choose not to acknowledge their lack of oral hygiene.  

So, as I prepare for another Sunday, I have to brace myself for the onslaught of the halitosis-ridden church-goers who inevitably want to know every miniscule detail of my life at a distance most Europeans would find uncomfortable (Europeans having a habit of traversing way past a person’s conversation comfort bubble as it is).  Perhaps the Catholics had ulterior motives when construing the idea of confessionals.  

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Blog start

Why is it whenever you want to try something new, there's always that one guy that is the expert on whatever it is you're trying?  "Oh you're gonna start a blog?  Well you have to use  I've already tried every other blog site on the entire planet and you don't want to try anything else ... Trust me."  Oh okay, I will trust you.  I've only been forced to know you by financial obligations to pay rent or be fed and I don't even know you're last name but I think I'm going to hang on your every suggestion as if it is from the Bible.
"Oh, you're gonna buy a goldfish?  You need to make sure to get Norman's Goldfish food or it'll die in like a week ... Trust me."
"Oh, you're going to Olive Garden tonight, you have to try the Pasta De Olive Gardene.  It's the best dish there ... Trust me."
Why do we always have to please these people?  Would it hurt to just say, "I would prefer to buy the cheap Goldfish food because that's how long they live anyway."
"Thanks but I would like to try a different kind of pasta.  They do have 50 different items for a reason.  It's because more people eat at Olive Garden than just you and your submissive friends and family." 
But alas, as this person told me about the only website any person should ever use for blogging, I found myself saying, "Oh yeah, I'll have to use it then... if it's that good."
Of course I found a better website but for the sake of agreeing with someone to retain a somewhat civil working relationship and the fact that the person who suggested it was my boss, he thinks I'm going to use his website.  So for the rest of my career under his "tutelage" I must say I decided not to do a blog because it takes too much work or it's against my religion or something.  And so begins my blog, I hope you enjoy.