Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Naps and 1-Ups

Napoleon Syndrome n. (Na-pole-ee-un Sin-drome) - 1.  A disorder in which a person (typically male) feels that, because he lacks height, he must be superior to other people in every other way possible.
One-Upper n. (Wun-Up-purr) - 1.  A disorder in which a person (typically male) feels that he must be superior to other people in every way possible for no reason whatsoever.

Many times throughout our lives, we try in varying ways to fit in with one group of people or another.  Be it for vanity, technology, or what have you, everyone tries to fit in with someone.  As I have gone through my life, I have noticed that all though everyone tries to "fit in," there are two groups of people that really can never fit in with anyone.  The problem not being that they can't find anything in common with someone, but rather they are socially inept.  What I have never been able to understand is that while no one likes these people, they still tend to have many friends, or who they deem as friends, who end up complaining about these people's vexatious tendencies when they are not around.  The "Naps," as I will call them in this publication, and the One-Uppers are social conundrums that have puzzled me throughout my life.  While both of them seem about the same from an outsider's point of view, they are very different on a sub-conscious level.

The Naps are a power hungry sort whose ultimate goal would be world domination had they the chance.  Lucky for us, Napoleon was the last who tried, however his historical account serve as testament to why they must never attain their goals.  The Naps have a very large ... well, moderately small, but adequate, chip on their shoulder because of the hand Nature dealt.  Just growing older while those around you grow up as well must be very difficult to deal with; not to mention being forever damned to the "adolescent" section when shopping for clothing and requiring a stool for the rest of your life to reach the freezer.  As a rule of thumb, Naps are never wrong ... about anything.  They also can do pretty much anything conceivable.  Because while they are vertically challenged, that is no reason for them not to be able to accomplish every task imaginable.  It reminds me somewhat of a paraplegic who thinks he doesn't need a wheelchair.  The only difference is most paraplegics have at least experienced what it's like to be normal, short people never will.  Naps want to exercise every bit of authority they attain over everyone under their power.  Example:  A lower ranking person of less than average height in the military will presume to take a leadership role over people of lesser rank than them regardless of how much real-time experience either has in ... anything.  This of course is because they have gained a vast amount more knowledge and wisdom in their 6 months extra in the service than the lower ranking person, therefor they have earned the right to "chaperon" the lower ranking individual.

While the Naps tend to feel the need to be superior to you now, the One-Uppers feel the need to be superior to you via previous experiences.  The One-Uppers are the few people on the planet that have experienced everything there is to do and the only thing left is to share their experiences with everyone they come into contact with.  Have you ever owned a convertible?  Well, they owned a car they turned into a convertible while they were Safariing in Africa.  Have you ever taken a trip to Europe?  Well, during their last trip to Europe, they stayed at Buckingham palace because they are BFF with the royal family.  Have you ever just been sitting around your house doing nothing?  Well, so have they when they got back from backpacking on the moon.  It was an okay trip.  How One-Uppers ever lower themselves to associate with the likes of the unexceptional populace of the world that most people comprise of is a mystery that perhaps will never be solved.  Case and point, if you ever need to know how to make a beautiful work of art, rebuild an engine, or get a Master's Degree in Computer Science.  They can help you out because if they haven't done it, their buddy back home has.

Alas, as much as these people need to be removed from the general population, I am just as guilty as the next person in being friends with these people.  The Naps and One-Uppers have a certain power over people that makes it very hard not to tell them the truth about how exasperating these tendencies are.  So as I complain about it, I have yet to find a way to get them to be normal.  Until then, we must coexist with the Naps and live beneath the One-Uppers.


  1. I'm with you on this one... all the way. I know exactly the type of people you are referring to, heck I know exactly who you are talking.

    Are you really talking about me?

  2. Changed my site...

    I haven't started on it because it's too late!

  3. I've known these people my whole life. And you sir are correct. They seem to have some mystical power to make us be their friends. Great observation!

  4. I heard you got a PS3, well, I got a PS4. I know, I know, they aren't out yet, but I met the president of Play Station on my hike on the moon last year and he hooked me up. Oh, and by the way I'm not that much shorter than you!

  5. Hey Buddie whats wrong with short people?????????????????????