Saturday, June 20, 2009

Male Dominance

Since the dawn of man, males have been exercising their dominance. Whether it is in the home, in business, or even between friends, almost all men feel the need to be the “alpha male” in one capacity or another. It seems women have allowed men to express this instinct, unchecked, simply because they neither care about nor desire this feeling of dominance. A clever trick to throw us off the scent! As a result of this quest for supremacy, men have peculiar quirks in regards to any type of social interaction. As I refer to “men” in this article, I will be referring to straight men. Gay men don’t have problems with superiority the same way straight men do.

As a woman, you can go to a Victoria’s Secret with your friends, try on underwear, and show it to your friends. Only for your friends to tell you how gorgeous you look or how much whatever you’re wearing enhances your features. Because of men’s superiority, they can’t even tell their friends if a pair of shoes looks good on them. You will not see men at a Sporting Goods store trying on Speedos then showing them off to their friends, just for their friends to say, “That looks so good on you, and it really enhances your…” well, you get the idea. The best men will give to each other, even when trying on a pair of shoes, is a callous joke. “Well, I guess you could get some with those shoes.” Thanks friend! If he were to give you a genuine compliment, then he wouldn’t be superior to you. A woman can look at another woman and say that woman is cute. A man cannot compliment another man, especially not on this magnitude. “Yeah, I think Greg is cute. And he looks really good in green!”
Women can walk together holding hands. Women can dance together at a club with other women. Men cannot be too close together in any type of social setting. When walking in the mall, there must be enough room between the two men for another person to fit or they are too close together. At a club or social event, men cannot huddle together in groups of just men. Men can definitely not dance together in groups, either. At a theater, men cannot sit in the next seat from another man, there must be at least one seat separating them from their friends. The “not-gay-seat” is a standard among most men in most sit-down atmospheres.

There is one exception to these rules however. It is the wide world of sports. In sports, it is okay for one man to slap another man’s bottom. It is okay for one man to hold his hands between the legs of another man. It is okay to take showers together, sit right next to each other, and wrestle around in skin tight singlets. Men around the world will fawn over professional athletes like school-girl crushes with their friends and they are proud of how much they know about them. A conundrum if ever I’ve seen one.

The point of this is that it’s a trick. Women have, in allowing men to run rampant with their pride and try to exercise dominion over their friends and other men, established their dominion over men in pretty much every way. It’s not that they don’t care about being superior to men, but that, because of a male’s inherent lack of humility, have in fact made themselves superior. Men, we must band together to become dominant. We must sit next to each other in the theater. We must learn to compliment each other’s wardrobe. We must hold hands while … never mind. I think I’m comfortable right where I am. Have at it ladies.

Friday, June 5, 2009

The Store Where Dreams are Manufactured and Sold at a Reasonable Price

Throughout the week, as we go about our lives, the everyday necessities of food, soap, clothes, cocain... powdered sugar eventually abate, forcing us to leave the comfort of whatever habitation we have chosen to replenish the things that help us live.  Unfortunately, over the past decade or so, there has been one conglomeration that has risen above the competition by providing lower prices, disgruntled employees, and sub-standard quality products:  Wal-Mart.  Why?  Why has Wal-Mart made it to the top of consumer ladder? 

Has Wal-Mart made it because of their low prices or product quality?  This could be a factor in our choice.  When you can get Smacks Cereal for $3.99 at a local grocery store or $3.92 from Wal-Mart, why wouldn’t you choose the amazing discount found at Wal-Mart?  When you can buy a large, red, juicy, 10 ounce steak for $6.99 at Uncle Joe’s Market or a large, reddish-brown, there-may-be-something-growing-on-it 10 ounceish steak product for $6.72 at Wal-Mart, again, why not choose money over health?  Purchasing a DVD Player?  Well now you have a couple options.  You can go with a $50 discount on a name brand product such as Sony by purchasing through the Wal, during which case you will have spent your money in vain due to the fact that it will stop working 91 days after you buy it and 1 day after the warranty is expired, or you can buy a Wal-Mart brand “Great Value” DVD player for $5 and it will only play the DVDs that are in your car because it doesn’t last the ride home before internally combusting.  Wal-Mart has obvious lower prices, with a $.05 discount on this and $.17 discount on that, the sickness you may get or frustrations you incur are worth the penny saved. 

Has Wal-Mart made it due to their customer service?  It’s hardly fair to compare Wal-Mart to any other company by their customer service alone.  Everything about the store makes it customer friendly.  All of the convicted felon “cart technicians” try their best not to be in your way when you’re backing out or lecherously stare at your wife/children as you walk past.  The horribly disfigured/severely old denizens “greeting” you as you enter try hard not to sound too enthusiastic, in fact, most of time it comes off as gruff and perturbed so as not to make you think they are happier than the most displeased of those of us who enter.  They have 243 registers in the front, but don’t be fooled, they wouldn’t want you to have to pick between them so they only have 5 open for your convenience and they are all being held up by someone writing a check (don’t even get me started on checkwriting).  Let’s not forget the employees throughout the store that know where everything is in the two rows they have been assigned in case you have any questions about those two aisles.  Of course we wouldn’t expect them to know where anything else in the store is or even what part of the store to start looking.  Wal-Mart has incontestable customer service, from the carts to the electronics, they can’t be beat.

So, as another week drones on and your toilet paper runs out or your DVD player breaks down, please consider the life and safety of your loved ones before making the choice of your neighborhood Wal-Mart.